Last summer I traveled to Europe on a spontaneous, "I need to get away from the world." trip.
Let me explain, I had just gone through another back to back break up (6th!) but who's counting right? I had two choices after so many failures, go back to the person I was- drowning my sorrows in alcohol my self alluded egotistical self OR reflect on the experiences and grow from it.
I chose growth this time, I knew my soul had enough pain, this was a journey of solitude I kept putting off. My biggest fear in life was to be alone, and that fear had caused me to cling on to many male relationships as a way to distract me from the inner work I had to do.
So I committed to stay away from male energy and passes. I booked a one way ticket to Europe and off I flew from SFO. On my jouney there was one guy I met in Iceland who was alone too, he told me about this cool art exhibit he was dying to see. Bansky was the name of the artist and his museum was in Amsterdam.
Sure enough my journey took me there a couple days later and while walking around seeing many social, political, and radical art pieces i stumbled across one painting. It made me feel something so deep, I almost cried.
There was a little girl reaching out to a heart shaped balloon while the wind was blowing it away. It wasn't until I self reflected that I realized there was something in me that was not healed. That picture symbolized years of self denial traumas I had never dealt with.
I was that little girl, somewhere along the line, love was taken away or covered up so deep within I hadn't discovered it for myself.
There's a funny thing about growth and growing up. Many of us grow up with out growing. Growing doesn't not mean "adulting," although it is a part of it.
Growth is being a better person that you were before, which takes time, self discovery, self reflection, solitude, and a lot of truth and healing yourself. It is one of the most life altering journeys you can and will take.
As adults we have to realize that what happened to us was never our fault, but the healing and self love we have to develop from it is completely our responsibility.
That's the only way to break limiting beliefs or pain patterns we have instilled in us.
The journey of self love and healing is the only way we will consciously learn to love ourselves fully, to love others as one another.
I have so much gratitude for the men I have loved in my life, for Bansky, and for the guy that helped me find him.